We can see the bias toward fear and cave-safety today. One of my favorite futurists, Faith Popcorn, coined the term “Cocooning” in the 1990s to describe her observation that Americans were trending toward hiding in there homes because the world seemed increasingly dangerous. This observation helped launch the Internet boom because she predicted that people needed online shopping and delivery because of this fear-based trend. We can see this back into the 1950s, after WWII, with the “nuclear family” which was a model of keeping a small family unit of two parents and the children, in their cave house (i.e. bunker), protected from the world. The idea that our parents could be harmful to our survival was also taking hold. Could it be that this cave person fear bias is encouraging the single parent home? It may be that the inner cave-mind is seeing relationships and other humans as dangerous to survival.

BUT, there’s hope! I’m VERY optimistic about Human Potential and our ability to learn and grow! Our minds CAN change and it only takes one person to begin to change their local culture. That’s what my clients do.

Here’s a short video by one of my favorite relationship teachers, Alison Armstrong, using inner cave-person awareness to describe what may be happening when there’s upset in a relationship:

Alison Armstrong - relationship expert

Of course, YOU’VE never had upset in one of your relationships, have you?

Since we’re all now highly evolved humans, we may think we’re evolved past the cave person. Our “evolved” emotions tell us it’s: 100% the other person’s fault, we’re right, they’re wrong, and it has nothing to do with being a fearful cave person. (Insert HUGE laughter here!)

I know YOU never think that, but maybe you know of someone who has? Just because we’re a bit more bald now, wear hair products, and have smart phones, maybe we haven’t completely dropped millions of years of adaptation for survival?

Next time you feel the slightest upset arising in a relationship, arising within you, STOP, take a deep breath, and remember this cave person video. Notice if the Negativity Bias of the mind is trying to get you to believe your survival is threatened. Instead, have the compassion to notice if you two are just caught in the cave dance to the music of mutual cave fear. Are you nit picking the other person, which says to them, “I don’t trust you to protect me.” Are you giving them a disapproving look that says, “I’m not going to protect you any more.” Check out if that’s the the Negativity Biased cave person speaking in your mind.

As Alison would say, connect with your Human Spirit instead. Notice whatever that means to you. Maybe it has you do something nice for them FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON. Maybe you just drop whatever the fear thought is, the need to be “right” and safe, and just give them a hug to show you care for them. Notice what higher value than “survival” you’re committed to, like compassion, love, contribution, growth, etc. Surprise yourself!

Do share with us, in the comments, any moments you’ve noticed the inner cave person and what you do to reach for your higher values and Higher Self. Let’s help each other overcome the inner cave person!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MZgIiJNvPo

You can make 5-minutes to transform your understanding of relationship, one of the most important yet frustrating things of being human, OR skip it and think you “already know” everything there is to be a successful human.

Yeah! I’m challenging you today. Everyone’s got 5-minutes to be more free. It’s all about trust. I’m here for you! Go for it! Watch it with your mate and talk about it. It may be the first time you’ve every really talked to each other about being different and how great that is.

Maybe you’ll even leave a comment on the blog about what you discover from the video?

But, did you know, Gates didn’t do it alone? He did it with his childhood friend, Paul Allen, just 2 years older than Gates. This should blow out of the water your ego’s story that “YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE TO BE VALUEABLE!” I think the idea of doing things alone is one of the most childish and painful misunderstandings of ego that exist.

Original video link: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7363070n&tag=related;photovideo

We could learn a lot about partnership from this story! Don’t let the media’s focus on conflict to sell products get to you. Instead, focus on how these two boys WERE able to work together for so many years, even though they were geeks with little to no relationship skills. When we have a higher purpose, especially a project that helps mankind advance, the challenges really become meaningless. Dreaming works better when you have a friend by your side. (Maybe even a coach?)

These kids dreamt of a computer in every home and did it together.

One of the greatest errors I see in raising children is what we call “enmeshment”. The parent doesn’t realize the child is not them, not an extension of them, or even for them.

I am reminded of this beautiful story which tells us most of what we need to know. I hope you’ll forward this story to all the parents you know, and soon to be parents, so we have a world that supports the unfolding of happy beings, not conditioned extensions of past generations.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
“Speak to us of Children”.
And he said:

“Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but are not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So he loves also the bow that is stable.”

If is from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran.

I hear of this so often, there’s just something wrong in the relationship. Something in the communication. The couple are even friends, things seems great, but every so often she just doesn’t feel heard. She feels like he isn’t hearing her, feeling her, caring, something is just wrong, and it is breaking her attraction.

The problem: the guy is treating her like an equal (i.e. another man). OK, I just upset some feminists, but hear me out.

You see, men challenge each other. That is how we show that we care. We just tell the truth of what we see and bring it to the man so they can improve, through challenge. That is masculine-to-masculine care, or love. The feminine in all of us grows through praise, not challenge. That receiving, heart-based, open and radiant self is our feminine.

Feminists taught us that we’re all “equal”. Most men did listen to this, especially boys in that era, because we want women, so to “respect” a woman we started treating women like equals. Now our masculine (stronger in males typically) wants to be appreciated for our mind and be challenged. So, men were taught to talk to a woman’s mind and challenge. Sure, this is great in the office, in the coffee shop, but not so great in the bedroom or when you want to be intimate (i.e. close).

So how does this masculine challenge look? “Say honey, are you sure you want to eat that? I thought you were on a diet?” This is telling the truth and challenging for improvement. I do it with my guy friends. I’ll just say, “Dude, you’re getting fat. Stop stuffing your face.” And my friend will reply, “Thanks man!”, because he gets that I care enough to tell him the truth and challenge him. If I don’t care, I won’t say anything to a man.

That is NOT the way to bring out your goddess’ radiance guys! Our feminine, on the other hand, grows through praise. Praise is noticing her radiance and subtly encouraging more of it. How does a guy know it is praise? Because it sounds like B.S. to a guy. Really! Imagine saying to a guy, “You look sexy in those jeans dude. Your diet is working.” See what I mean? Praise is notice the radiance you like (i.e. she is “sexy”) and how she has put in care to do it (i.e. her sacrifice of a “diet”). This is how to enhance the feminine. And you DO want to be with a feminine woman, don’t you?

Now I know what our inner feminist is saying, “Don’t B.S. a woman. She’s not dumb.” But notice, that again is saying, “Like a woman only for her mind. Treat her like a man.” (i.e. a big mind with a torso.) Thus the guide is, in work, challenge is OK, but to build intimacy, praise her, enhance her feminine, hold a space for her to radiate.

Praise is like fertilizer. To a man (a mind), the smell is distracting. But to a rose (or a woman, beauty in human form) it’s nutrients for blooming. You don’t challenge a rose, or yell at it, to make it bloom or become more beautiful, do you?

The moral of the story: If you want a radiant female, a woman, talk to her heart and stop talking to her head so much. When you are talking about the bills, sure, that’s men’s work. But most of the time, in your close relationship, you want a radiant nurturing goddess, don’t you? TALK TO HER HEART!