We could have a beautiful debate here @Joy and truly open some hearts.

As an NLPer, let’s model this out. Also, I work to come from the NLP place of believing nothing but testing it. My thought is that internal state is the source of our experience and action.

First test: If a person’s actions are harmful, in that very moment, are they wishing the other to be happy?

Take an abusive spouse. She yells at her husband, calling him degrading names. In that moment of action, is her mental state also “wishing for him to be happy”? Or, is she just focused on herself and what she wants for herself to be happy. If she “loves” him, until Atisha’s definition, he actions would match her wish.

Another test, a parent spanks their 5 yr. old child with one pop to the child’s hand as it reaches into a fire. Now the action, on it’s own, without intention can be called “abuse”. It is harming the skin of the child. But if the parent is holding a mental state of pure “love”, wishing for the child’s ultimate happiness, a pop on their hand is so much better than letting the child get burned and having a drawn out logical discussion with the child about fire. (At 5, the child has little logical ability and these discussions can be abusive.)

Sometimes one can act seemingly harmful, from a place of love, and truly free another. Like shouting at someone to break their state so they don’t harm themselves.

So in practice, my experience is that Atisha is speaking of a perpetual mental state of love, of wishing others to be happy, so that all action flows from that well.

Thus, can one be half a globe away and “love” their parent? Or must they be continually on the phone with them to “love” them?

What a wonderful exploration you have caused here! Thanks you!

I do agree that an addiction to someone is not love. But I have seen and heard far too many people who are convinced that they “love” someone because they feel loving, or intend good things for the other person, while actually treating that person badly, even abusively.

Erol, thanks for inspiring me to blog about this topic myself. It’s a good one.