Tony and his wife had a Question and Answer video call with people around the world on Wednesday. Couples and individuals got to ask the tough question like:

• “How do you rekindle the passion when it’s gone?”
• “What do I do when it’s my lovely wife that fired me from my job?”
• “How do I find the person that’s right for me?”
• and many more in this 1 hour video session

Tony, in his usual style, cuts right through to the truth. Sage and he have been married 16 happy years and they also have those moments where emotions run high. He’s learned a lot about what to do, and what not to do, after diving into marriage at 24 and instantly becoming a father to a 17 year old.

Those of you familiar with my work will hear the influence of David Deida and understanding the polarity of masculine and feminine energy. There are also many other useful distinctions you can apply today. They lay out some practical tips for single people looking for the one and to the several couples that want to deepen what they have together.

Go beyond the marketed consumer version of Valentine’s Day, which tells you spending money on external things is what creates happiness, and instead deepen your understanding of your mate, or potential mate, in a way that actually causes love to flourish.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MZgIiJNvPo

You can make 5-minutes to transform your understanding of relationship, one of the most important yet frustrating things of being human, OR skip it and think you “already know” everything there is to be a successful human.

Yeah! I’m challenging you today. Everyone’s got 5-minutes to be more free. It’s all about trust. I’m here for you! Go for it! Watch it with your mate and talk about it. It may be the first time you’ve every really talked to each other about being different and how great that is.

Maybe you’ll even leave a comment on the blog about what you discover from the video?

But, did you know, Gates didn’t do it alone? He did it with his childhood friend, Paul Allen, just 2 years older than Gates. This should blow out of the water your ego’s story that “YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE TO BE VALUEABLE!” I think the idea of doing things alone is one of the most childish and painful misunderstandings of ego that exist.

Original video link: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7363070n&tag=related;photovideo

We could learn a lot about partnership from this story! Don’t let the media’s focus on conflict to sell products get to you. Instead, focus on how these two boys WERE able to work together for so many years, even though they were geeks with little to no relationship skills. When we have a higher purpose, especially a project that helps mankind advance, the challenges really become meaningless. Dreaming works better when you have a friend by your side. (Maybe even a coach?)

These kids dreamt of a computer in every home and did it together.

Here are two questions from Allison Armstrong that she finds most couples never figure out. They are the key to happiness. These are questions to ask eachother.

1. What do you need from me that you’ve given up on getting from me?
2. Is there anything I’m doing or any way I’m being that is losing your respect and affinity (i.e. love)?

I also find it’s incredibly important for us to sit down and get clear on what exactly we need from our partner for there to be love. It’s usually just one or two things!Are you seeking perfection or is it really a deal breaker?

I’m consciously using the word “need” here because some things are a need. Air, water, and food ARE needs. The kind of food is usually not a need. That is the difference. Get clear on what is needed so you can breath again, then briefly ask for it, in a way they can hear you. If you’re coming up with a long list, it’s just ego trying to make you suffer by making it impossible. Boil it down to one thing and see if that is a must for there to be love.

Above all, watch out for using your emotions to get what you want. That’s what children do and it’s called manipulation. Ask as if they are someone you love and respect. Keep it short and let them know it’s important to you.

Volumes have been written on the subject. This is a stating point for your own movement forward. Realize that if you don’t believe you can ask for what you really need, it’s just your childhood programming and they are NOT your mean parents. Give your lover a chance to please you. You might be surprised.

Those of you who have read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People will recognize "Seek first to understand, then be understood" as Habit #5. Those who know their history will remember that this came from a prayer by St. Francis, the man for whom San Francisco, California was named.

There are countless relationship books out there and endless workshops. Often they provide so much our intellect gets caught up in remembering all the details and we practice none of them. Instead, I like to focus on simple mastery, key little practices that make a tremendous difference. "Understand First" is one of those wax-on-wax-off mastery practices that will forever change ALL of your relationships.

If you are in business, you are in relationships. Great sales people know Understand First is a cornerstone of sales, which is building a relationship. We sit quietly and ask deep questions. They do the talking! Our goal is to understand. We really understand everything we can about the client before we open our mouth. Sometimes, we’ll even go away to really understand what they said before returning. When we come back, we clarify what we think we understand. The client feels heard and we really know how to meet their needs. On the other hand, have you ever sat across from the sales person that wanted you to understand them first? Maybe they came to your door and bothered you during dinner completely focused on their agenda.

We can tell when another person really wants to understand us. We feel seen and heard. This is one of the most important experiences for humans. And now, think of the above situation. Really hearing a client and being heard as a client. Now apply that to your intimate relationships. It feel great to be seen and heard, doesn’t it. The big challenge is, are you really seeking first to understand your loved ones? Are you hearing more that you try to be heard? When was the last time you sat with a loved one and really took the time to understand them, their point of view, their dreams?

This one simple practice can bring our relationships to a completely unimagined joyful place. Really sit there, and just ask questions, very few questions. For some, this can be very painful. They have to make a comment, judgment, try to be understood, or help out. Can we check our understanding? Really listen to the little details and picture what they are seeing in their mind. If you don’t know what they are seeing, then ask. Avoid mind reading. If sitting quietly becomes painful and your mind wanders, just remember what it’s is like when someone you’re talk to is wandering off.

Keep it simple. Just practice one way of improving your relationships. Seek first to understand, then be understood.

An Exercise

Being "present" is one of the keys to understanding others and successful relationships. Being present would mean I’m not thinking about the past or future. Studies have shown people are often too busy thinking about what they are going to say to really listen to the other person. To be more present and get that peace of mind we often seek, just listen closely to the words the other person chooses. Make pictures in your mind of what they say. Try on their experience. Get lost in the story. Take a deep breath and have some fun! Of course, you’d only want to do this if you care about the person and want to keep the relationship with them.
It’s like going to the movies. Notice how quiet the mind gets when we really want to understand the movie, hanging on every word. If it’s boring to listen, maybe you’re hanging out with the wrong people. Or, maybe we’re so worried about our agenda we can’t listen. Just notice where your thoughts are. Are they coming from fear or faith? It’s something to practice. Look for an exploration of fear in a future article.

Using your Inherent Excellence

Relationships are one of the cornerstones of human existence. It’s as important as our health and can determine our health. Our brain has evolved to receive and give language. Only humans have this. Language has only one purpose, to connect with another human. If you know someone that doubts we need to connect with other humans, ask them why we have language.

So many of us are great at giving language. How about practicing the receive mechanism? There are words, gestures, posture, breathing, so much that conveys the message. Let’s exercise that supercomputer between the ears and have some fun listening. See how much you can try on the experience of another person and get a sense for where they are at. It’s magic! Understanding first can transform all your relationships. And it’s free!